Each month I step out of my crystal meditation chamber, close my office and leave my home. I plunge into the wilderness and ride the cosmic current until I am speaking directly to the star people. I ask them what you need to know in order to better navigate the coming lunar cycle and they speak to me. I then return to Earth and share this cosmic wisdom, with you, my readers.
Aries- Mars, your ruling planet got arrested for a DUI last night and isn’t in the mood to hear any of your nonsense. Get it together horn-head.
Taurus- Same as Aries but different.
Gemini- Well, you’ll find a pile of something nasty in an unexpected place mid-week. No getting around it. Look for an opportunity to use your crotch crunching skills on Saturday, you’ll be glad you took that class for sure.
Cancer- This week will find you weeping during coffee commercials as the moon enters international waters on Thursday. Use this to your advantage.
Leo- This time it might be a good idea to leave that thing at home. You know the thing I mean. Trust me on this. The stars never fail.
Virgo- Mercury goes into retrograde on Wednesday, which means you’ll have to speak and walk backwards if you want to get your point across.
Libra- Every once in awhile a person gets a chance to step up and show those around them the true nature of their character. You won’t be having this sort of day anytime this week, thanks to Venus being held up in customs. Focus on organizing your video game related spreadsheets.
Scorpio- “You’ll catch more flies with honey.” is a saying you’ll want to disagree with come Tuesday, when you unveil your superior-to-honey-fly-attracting gel at a press conference.
Sagittarius- Aim for the stars, but settle for the sky is your motto these days. Jupiter enters into child custody negotiations mid-week, opening the door for bad luck and anti-gravity related mischief.
Capricorn- The sun is currently residing in your sign, which makes you feel more important than you are. I’d tell you to be careful this week, but do you ever listen? I think we both know the answer to that.
Aquarius- Paper plates are fine for most days but you’ll want something a little bit nicer if you’re going to convince the sheriff to let you stay in your house.
Pisces- Usually, you have no one to blame but yourself. This month may be different. It all depends on how well you took care of that plant back in third grade. Don’t get mad at me, I’m just a celestial messenger relaying stellar wisdom. Don’t go too hard on the voices in your head this month, they are only following orders.