Each month I step out of my crystal meditation chamber, close my office and leave my home. I plunge into the wilderness and ride the cosmic current until I am speaking directly to the star people. I ask them what you need to know in order to better navigate the coming lunar cycle and they speak to me. I then return to Earth and share this cosmic wisdom, with you, my readers.
Aries- Have you ever wondered what it would be like to shove someone into a tank full of Moray Eels? Play your cards right and the stars say you have a chance to make it happen on Sunday. Tonight is a good time for romance, providing you equate romance with chest pains.
Taurus- Sometimes it doesn’t matter what the planets have to say, this isn’t one of those times, though. Sorry Taurry but this is going to be a rough cycle for you. Go easy on the lotto tickets and maybe cut back on the gas station dinners and you might make it through.
Gemini- Mercury goes rogue on Thursday, leaving you holding a bag with a dollar sign on it and a bunch of awkward questions to answer. Try not to talk or think, your mind can not be trusted until Mercury re-assimilates sometime in 2021.
Cancer- The moon, the planet of emotions and ruler of your sign, is in an argument with Saturn and Saturn is in no mood for shit taking this week. If you have any sick time consider staying home until the screaming in your head stops.
Leo- It’s all about you again. Or is it? Are those people laughing with you or at you? One thing is for sure, you won’t be able to tell.
Virgo- Your mother will enter your birth sign late this evening. She’ll have many things to say and none of them will be good. Don’t worry; she’ll be too disappointed in you to stay long.
Libra- Venus, your ruling planet, converges with Mercury. This is usually a fine influence unless Mercury is going rogue, which it is. So, I don’t know, maybe focus inward and don’t neglect to nurture yourself while also trying to expand your horizons and embrace your shortcomings? Yeah, do that.
Scorpio- You think you’re so smart, don’t you? Thinking doesn’t make things so. You have to do more than think, you have to be smart. Thinking you’re something and being that something are only the same thing to you. Think about that while you’re trying to seduce your ex lover’s new girlfriend’s mom at the gas pump next Wednesday afternoon. I think you will surprise yourself.
Sagittarius- Jupiter, your ruling planet, trines with the moon today but the moon is in an argument with Saturn. When a planet trines with a planet in an argument with another planet, it cancels out the cosmic influence of that aspect. What’s that mean for you Sagittarius? It means you have no horoscope this month.
Capricorn- You’re a goat! No, you’re a sea monster! Baaaaah!!! Booooooo!!!
Aquarius- You poor, poor emotionless robot, can’t you do anything right? Not this month! Your ruler, Uranus, will be on trial for aggravated assault for the next three weeks. It is very important that during this time you develop your own personality and return the one you borrowed from that lady on the bus.
Pisces- This is going to be a good month for you, fin head! Or at least it should be. Try not to waste this phase spending your mom’s money on wine and clove cigarettes. Consider using your skills and talents for once. Use ’em for good or evil, just do something already, hippy.