Each month I step out of my crystal meditation chamber, close my office and leave my home. I plunge into the wilderness and ride the cosmic current until I am speaking directly to the star people. I ask them what you need to know in order to better navigate the coming lunar cycle and they speak to me. I then return to Earth and share this cosmic wisdom, with you, my readers.
Aries- Spring has sprung check your pants for more details. Make sure you stay out of jail this weekend you don’t want to find out what will happen if you don’t.
Taurus- I bet that job as a long-haul trucker is looking mighty good right now. You should have learned to drive before you applied though. This is kind of a metaphor for your life isn’t it?
Gemini- Do you know the saying “curiosity killed the cat “ ? Do you know how offensive that saying is to cats? I don’t think you do, do you? Well maybe it’s time you thought about things like that.
Cancer- Like the disease that bears your name you will consume everything around you this week. Don’t worry too much about it though. A little consuming is good now and then.
Leo- Even though no one came to see your play, that didn’t stop you from writing 10 more. Let this be a lesson to you this week as you take up the unlikely hobby of Japanese toenail shaving.
Virgo- It should come as no surprise to you but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t fake being surprised when you learn the value of coupon-clipping. Enjoy the savings all month long when your ruling planet Venus is in the seventh house, the house of discounted items.
Libra- Your sign is known as the sign of balance, its symbol is even a set of scales. Talk to your doctor this month balancing your dopamine and smartamine with your nopeamine. You might not notice the difference right away but there is no doubt that those around you will.
Scorpio- The Hot Topic in your local mall is set to close its doors forever this week. You better start now looking for a suitable replacement store. We both know that if you don’t have suspenders with skulls on them things go downhill pretty quick.
Sagittarius- Half man half horse isn’t as good as half man half machine. Sometime this month chances are good that you understand that saying in a way you never knew possible before.
Capricorn- April is National poetry month. April also has April Fool’s Day in it. That means your poetry is a joke, get over it.
Aquarius- You might think you live in the future but the future lives in you. Think about that when you’re about to work on your time machine.
Pisces- Neptune is drunk again, this is the chance you’ve been waiting for. Once he passes out, you’ll be able to sneak past him and steal back your shoes.