Each month I step out of my crystal meditation chamber, close my office and leave my home. I plunge into the wilderness and ride the cosmic current until I am speaking directly to the star people. I ask them what you need to know in order to better navigate the coming lunar cycle and they speak to me. I then return to Earth and share this cosmic wisdom, with you, my readers.
Aries- Two chicken nuggets. Just two. No dipping sauce. There’s no other way.
Taurus- Flying cars aren’t a real thing yet, which is a real shame. You’ll find out why on the 30th.
Gemini- The stars aren’t going to wait forever for you to wish on them.
Cancer- Stop calling skinny people fat, it’s not ironic.
Leo- It’s not like you listen. You got it all figured out, don’t you?
Virgo- Blue cheese, not ranch. Idiot.
Libra- The Shadow knows, but not about you. No one will ever know about you.
Scorpio- Normally being poisonous is an advantage, but for some reason, you just can’t seem to make it work out. Don’t worry, it’s only your life that’s wasting away, not something worthwhile.
Sagittarius- How cool would it be? You know what I’m talking about.
Capricorn- The world doesn’t work the way you think it does. There are way less talking birds, for one. For two, you think there are way more colors than there are. Honestly, what’s “glorange” look like? It’s yellow, idiot.
Aquarius- Robots are red, violent bots are blue, it doesn’t matter because both kinds hate you.
Pisces- Got what you paid for yet? Feeling a bit overcharged? You’re supposed to listen to Tom Waits songs, not live inside of them.