Each month I step out of my crystal meditation chamber, close my office and leave my home. I plunge into the wilderness and ride the cosmic current until I am speaking directly to the star people. I ask them what you need to know in order to better navigate the coming lunar cycle and they speak to me. I then return to Earth and share this cosmic wisdom, with you, my readers.
Aries– It’s so hot and you’re a fire sign, that means it’s double hot for you. Try starting a project and then quitting before you finish.
Taurus– You bulls love your luxury and fashion. Sucks for you that it’s too hot for fashion and luxury. If you have air conditioning, use it to entice someone to sleep with you. If you don’t have air conditioning, get slutty and get some (climate control). The other option is melting.
Gemini– Half of you loves summer fun. The beaches, camping, cheap hook ups in public restrooms, getting anti-bionics (I know what it says) on the black market, and fireworks are all wonderful things to half of you. The other half of you is on fire and melting because you’re so thirsty and the only thing to drink is room temperature water. That’s the same as having nothing at all to drink.
Cancer– Family is important to you. wouldn’t it be nice if you were important to them? Wouldn’t it? Think about that, how much you give vs. how little you receive. Happy *@&@&%@ Summer!
Leo– This is all your fault. Don’t talk to me. The cosmos is silent this month.
Virgo– Even grudges are too hot for you to hold this month. The stars recommended you deal with this by being very anxious about nothing and obsessing over the humidity index while telling everyone you meet what they are doing wrong.
Libra– Known for its balancing energy, the sign of Libra loves to help establish harmony. Unfortunately, Leo energy can’t hold a tune if you put it in a bucket. Your only option is to suck it up and spend the summer carrying around two ice cream cones, one in each hand. Make sure to keep them balanced, you DON’T want unnecessary melting. Not now, not ever.
Scorpio– How much you suffer in this insufferable heat is up to you. While you may not be able to control the temperature you can control your attitude, but if you’re anything like you, you won’t.
Sagittarius– Since your sign loves to travel, why not take this time to expand your horizons (and waistline) by visiting the restaurant on the moon- you know the one from old bubble gum wrapper jokes. Space is cold. Space is so cold. If you go to space, bring a sweater.
Capricorn– Capricorns are known for their self-centeredness. For the next few weeks, you’ll be noticing your center is melting or molten. Did I mention how thirsty you will be?
Aquarius– Often known for being future oriented, your sign is also famous for its emotional coldness, sometimes referred to as frigidity. Frigid means cold. Cold is the opposite of hot. I think you might be ok this month, as long as you don’t mind being the opposite of hot- which is ugly.
Pisces– The one good thing about being a Pisces is how easy it is to slip into a fantasy world. I suggest a snow motif this month.