Each month I step out of my crystal meditation chamber, close my office and leave my home. I plunge into the wilderness and ride the cosmic current until I am speaking directly to the star people. I ask them what you need to know in order to better navigate the coming lunar cycle and they speak to me. I then return to Earth and share this cosmic wisdom, with you, my readers.
Aries- Tinfoil hats are a lifestyle choice, not a passing fad. Sorry to have to tell you that.
Taurus- Your mother is always watching you. Always. She’s not even dead and no one is sure how she’s even doing it, but she is.
Gemini- Break the name of your sign down into syllables and you get a secret message from the universe. “Gem in I” I suggest you get some gems and cram them in your eye. Just the one. Not both.
Cancer- Less Cumin, less Kale, more whale oil. It’s what your recipe needs. It’ll make it taste better, but it won’t make them love you.
Leo- The quality of your sign is fixed fire. I don’t know if that refers to your reproductive abilities or to the status of your repairs. I don’t care much either.
Virgo- Does it ever get old, carrying that baby around everywhere you go? Why won’t that thing grow up? It’s been like thousands of years.
Libra- Your sign is the only one with any formal legal training. This is going to come in handy over the next several months as you find yourself ensconced in more scandals than ever.
Scorpio- Possession is nine-tenths of the law, not nine tents of the law. Now you can’t say you don’t know better.
Sagittarius- You can’t have it both ways, but you can have it all the ways.
Capricorn- Harnessing your inner goat shouldn’t cost so much, but it does.
Aquarius- Squirting cheese at the object of your desire is about to get more complicated. Go easy.
Pisces- Taking candy from a fish head like you is even easier than taking it from a baby. What’s the easiest thing to take candy away from? A baby Pisces, that’s what.