Each month I step out of my crystal meditation chamber, close my office and leave my home. I plunge into the wilderness and ride the cosmic current until I am speaking directly to the star people. I ask them what you need to know in order to better navigate the coming lunar cycle and they speak to me. I then return to Earth and share this cosmic wisdom, with you, my readers.
Aries- When you have a hammer, every problem looks like a nail. When you are hammered, everything looks like something you can nail. Weird huh? Only to you.
Taurus- When you have a nail, every problem makes you wish you had a hammer, even if it wouldn’t help at all.
Gemini- It’s not that easy to confuse margarine with margaritas, but if you try hard enough, you’ll find a way.
Cancer- When the kids go back to school it’s back to standing in the doorway waving goodbye at them until they come back or else it’s sitting on the couch and deal with the growing void inside of you. You like it that way, don’t you?
Leo- Living under the sea is the wave of the future. Get it? I doubt it. That doesn’t mean it won’t behoove you to become intimately familiar with the mating habits of seahorses.
Virgo- Focus yourself like a laser on every level. Body, soul, and mind. Let your desire to succeed consume you. Otherwise, you’ll never finish that crossword puzzle before dinner.
Libra- If your life was a movie, this would be the tagline on the poster: One banana, two dreams. Half a chance. Coming soon to a theatre near you.
Scorpio- I wrote you a limerick in order to inspire you to start writing your own. That’s what the world needs. “We all know that love is the worst/It mistreats you until you could burst/ It whips you and beats, and greatly mistreats you/ But only with cash up front first.
Sagittarius- Later this month Jupiter, your sign’s ruling planet, is going to try and sextile it with venus. If you’re at the party when it happens, don’t try to keep up with them drinking wise. Just have 8 or 9 like you do every night and excuse yourself for best results.
Capricorn- Everything is worth three points this round, but you’re playing like there’s no bonus. Get hip or get shipped.
Aquarius- “Eating shit” won’t be just a metaphor this month, unless you try really hard.
Pisces- Take the first word from the first horoscope, the second word from the second, the third from the third, and so on until you get to the 12th word of your horoscope and that’s your horoscope.